I pounded on a farmhouse looking for a place to stay

I was mighty, mighty tired, I'd come a long, long way

I said, "Hey, hey, in there, is there anybody home?"

I was standin' on the steps feeling most alone

When out comes a farmer, he must've thought that I was nuts

He immediately looked at me and stuck a gun into my guts

I fell down to my bended knees

Saying, "I dig farmers, don't shoot me, please!"

He cocked his rifle and begin to shout

"Are you that travelin' salesman that I have heard about?"

I said, "No, no, no, I'm a doctor and it's true

I'm a clean-cut kid and I been to college, too"

Then in comes his daughter whose name was Rita

She looked like she stepped out of La Dolce Vita

I immediately tried to cool it with her dad

And told him what a nice, pretty farm he had

He said, "What do doctors know about farms, pray tell?"

I said, "I's born at the bottom of a wishing well"

Well, by the dirt 'neath my nails, I guess he knew I wouldn't lie

He said, "I guess you're tired," he said it kind of sly

I said, "Yes, ten thousand miles today I drove"

He said, "I got a bed for you underneath the stove

Just one condition, you can go to sleep right now

That you don't touch my daughter, and in the morning, milk the cows"

I was sleeping like a rat when I heard something jerkin'

There stood Rita, looking just like Tony Perkins

She said, "Would you like to take a shower? I'll show you up to the door"

I said, "Oh, no, no, I've been through this movie before"

I knew I had to split, but I did not know how

When she said, "Would you like to take that shower now?"

Well, I couldn't leave unless the old man chased me out

Because I'd already promised that I'd milk his cows

I had to say somethin' to strike him very weird

So I yelled out, "I like Fidel Castro and his beard"

Rita looked offended, but she got out of the way

As he came charging down the stairs, sayin', "What's that I heard you say?"

I said, "I like Fidel Castro, I think you heard me right"

And I ducked as he swung at me with all his might

Rita mumbled somethin' 'bout her mother on the hill

As his fist it hit the icebox, he said he's gonna kill me

If I don't get out the door in two seconds flat

"You unpatriotic, rotten doctor Commie rat"

Well, he threw a Reader's Digest at my head and I did run

I did a somersault as I seen him get his gun

And crashed through the window at a hundred miles an hour

And landed fully blast in his garden flowers

Rita said, "Come back!" and he started to load

The sun was coming up, and I was running down the road

Well, I don't figure I'll be back there for a spell

Even though Rita moved away and got a job in a motel

He still waits for me, constant, on the sly

He wants to turn me in to the FBI

Me, I romp and stomping, thankful as I romp

Without freedom of speech, I might be in the swamp